I would like to start by offering you compassion if your child is suffering from anxiety. I have first-hand experience of knowing how painful it is to watch someone you care about deeply suffer. I would love to support you. I understand that you are busy so I have developed five effective strategies that can help you and your child in the long and short term.
Anxiety is a normal and healthy way for our bodies to alert us to danger. However, it can become a problem if it harms you or your child’s quality of life. Signs of anxiety in children include:
- picky eating
- difficulty concentrating
- difficulty sleeping
- being quick to anger or react
- stomach aches
- difficulty sleeping
- perceiving relatively safe situations as potentially harmful
- persistent thoughts that something bad is going to happen
Anxiety can have multiple causes, it can be heritable. It can also be brought on by a specific traumatic event such as an accident or injury. If certain environments are stressful for your child this can trigger anxiety. Some kinds of neurodivergence such as autism can make children more sensitive to stimuli such as bright lights and sound. This means that situations which don’t seem stressful to us could trigger anxiety in a child.
1. Get curious about your child’s anxiety.
Are there any situations likely to trigger an anxious response from them? My son used to get very upset if he cut himself, even if it was the tiniest cut. His reaction seemed out of proportion with what was happening. I realised it might be linked to an upsetting incident that had happened six months earlier: We had been at a soft play centre – Seb was accidentally kicked and cut his lip badly. As I let out a horrified scream, an off-duty paramedic came running over to help… I found that talking through the event with Seb until we got to the part where everything was fine allowed him to process and integrate the trauma. He is no longer upset when he gets a small cut.
2. Help them to focus on the things they can change.
When life is challenging, we can start to feel hopeless or stuck when we focus too much on things we don’t have the power to change.
Often, there are many things that children don’t have control over, for example, where they live or whether they go to school. Helping them to acknowledge what they can’t change and focus on what they can change or influence is a wonderful way to empower children.
3. Share stories of transformation.
Hearing stories where people overcome problems – especially ones your child can relate to – teaches them this is possible. This can be via books or films. You could also share your own stories of overcoming difficulty, for example, perhaps you lacked confidence at school but found a hobby you were good at and it gave you a new feeling of confidence.
4. Best hopes and worst fears.
Your child might worry about events in the future, for example, going to a birthday party or trying a new hobby. Try to get them to describe what it is they are afraid of. By understanding their fears, we can help them find a way through them. If they are concerned that no one will want to play with them, you could remind them of times when they had enjoyed being with friends. Some children fear the unknown and need us to help bridge the gap between familiar and unfamiliar experiences. For example, you could show them pictures on Google Maps of the place they are going or describe to them in which order things will happen. It also helps them know there is a quiet place to go if they need to take a break or leave early.
5. Find ways to calm their senses.
If your child is feeling anxious it can present in different ways which require different responses:
- They might become very quiet and still, almost frozen to the spot. If this is the case, getting them to move a little, even if it is just to the kitchen to get a drink, can help them to change state enough to feel able to share with you what is wrong. It is important to suggest things gently when they are in this state.
- If they seem panicked and are breathing rapidly you could encourage them to walk slowly around the room while focusing on what they notice in their peripheral vision. You could also try “finger breathing” – tracing a finger along the fingers of the other hand, breathing in on the way up and out on the way down.
- They might become angry. In this case, the best approach might be to help them move through their anger without causing harm. When the anger has passed, they will likely need some recovery time, perhaps wrapped in a blanket with a favourite soft toy.
Help your child to become more resilient
Anxiety is a complex issue; each child is unique and it is not always obvious what is causing your child’s anxiety or how to support them. I have created a Build Resilience Together workbook for you and your child to complete. It will help them to learn ways in which they can build resilience. The workbook will support them to develop the skill of metacognition, which simply means thinking about thinking. This is a great tool to draw on throughout life, increasing our ability to cope with difficult situations and support others to do the same.
My name is Nina and I support parents individually or as a couple to help them find more joy and ease in their parenting.
Please check out Journey into Parenting for more articles on how to better understand your child, communicate so that they listen, and find solutions to tricky situations.
